I Will Leave Behind This Pain.

What I want?
What I truly want?
I want to hold your hand.
I want to be by your side always.
I want to shield you from all things painful.
I want you to keep me safe and warm in your strong embrace.
I want to be the reason you wake up every morning with a smile.
I want to be your gateway to happiness, and your guard from all sorts of woe.
________________________________________________________

What I need?
What I truly need?
I need you to hold me when I cry.
I need you to say you love me too.
I need you to be happy, to smile that smile of yours.
I need you to be patient with me, I’ll make mistakes.
I need the strength to protect you, the one I care for.
I need you to stay exactly the way you are, never change.
___________________________________________________

What I pray for?
Do you truly wan to know?
I will tell you.

I pray for more time.

Because ours together was much too short.
It flew by swiftly.

It was so difficult-more so then you’ll ever know- to see you laying in the hospital bed beside mine. But now it’s even harder seeing it empty.

Extensive Care.

It was a miracle the impact of the crash didn’t kill us both instantly.
Some may call it luck, but hearing the rhythmic beeping of the machine connected to my broken body, I would call it misfortune.
No, pure unadulterated misery.

I’m repulsed with myself.
Your dead. Gone forever.

It’s my doing though.
I am to blame. I am at fault here, not you.
Never you.
I knew you couldn’t drive.
You smelled bitterly of too much alcohol.

It was my idea to go to the Party.
It was me who didn’t try hard enough to convince you that you were unable to drive.
It was me.
It was all me, and I apologize.
From the bottom of my now dangerously frail heart.
I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
I failed you. And I am sorry.
I doubt you’ll ever realize just how sorry I truly am.

It was me, I killed you.

You knew I would die. It was undeniable.
I had a rare blood type. A fact we both shared.
A distant gene, that neither of our parent’s possessed.
I’m not sure if that’s something to be celebrated or not.
It’s the reason you’re dead after all. Because of me. Me.

You saved me.
You demanded they give me your blood.
Your life.

You’re a fool.
A remarkable, amazing hero of a fool.
I never asked to be saved.
Not at this cost.
I’d rather die. But no, you did for me.

I will never forgive myself.
I wish that once I was out of this hospital, I could kill myself.
Suicide, My Sweet Escape.
Then we could stay together for eternity.

But I don’t think it’d be right to do that now.
It’d be like killing you twice over.
Like I was betraying you.

I won’t do that.
I refuse.

I will live on, in your memory.
I will make you proud.
I will live on in your name.

May you live on through me.
Always......

Always and Forever.